I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
