i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
