Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
