Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
