the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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