This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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