I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
