it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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