What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
