Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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