I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
