I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
