New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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