you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
ttyl tear gas
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
