i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
