I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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