I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
