I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Randomize