When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
