I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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