Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
