my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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