I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
