My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Randomize
