My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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