I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
