My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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