god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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