the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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