Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
