His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Is Oprah even human
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
