They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
