Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
