So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
