it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
In other news, I just burned my penis
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
