Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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