I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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