my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my sisters under your porch take her home
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Randomize
