I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
