I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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