i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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