I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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