after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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