this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
