dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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