sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The uberlube is also flammable
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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