apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
