i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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