tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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