My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
