I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
